Three Questions That Changed How I Choose Friends
Written By Tina Bernard
Lessons from friendships lost
Choose Wisely
Friendships need tending, and long-distance ones need more than the occasional “We should catch up soon,” followed by six months of silence and the comforting assumption that you still love each other somewhere between adulting, bills, and forgetting why you walked into the kitchen.
My closest long-distance friendship is sustained through ordinary moments. We talk about workouts, dinners, our children, hard days, funny stories, worries, and unexpected wins. These micro-moments are the marrow of friendship. They say, “I’m still here, and you still matter.”
Both of us learned early how to live with loneliness. That can become a strength, but it can also become a hiding place. When you are skilled at being alone, you learn to self-soothe, make your own plans, and need very little from others. Eventually, you may stop recognizing when you need someone who can tell that your mouth is saying, “I’m fine,” while your spirit is quietly waving a white flag.
Independence can make it easier to leave rather than remain present long enough to repair a relationship. Yet the opposite is also true: many of us stay long after a friendship has become unhealthy.
Access is not friendship, and history is not intimacy.
As a recovering people pleaser, I once made excuses, overgave, and accepted crumbs. I mistook being needed for being loved and being useful for being valued. The patterns that shape our romantic relationships can quietly influence our friendships too.
Years ago, I trained with relationship expert Dr. Diana Kirschner, who encourages women to evaluate romantic relationships through three questions. Adapted for friendship, those questions offer a powerful guide for choosing our people.
Does She Meet the Basics?
Healthy friendship rests on honesty, respect, reliability, reciprocity, kindness, accountability, and care. A true friend shows up, apologizes when she causes harm, and remains engaged when discomfort enters the room.
Friendship must have space for grief, hard seasons, messiness, and imperfection. But when one woman is doing all the initiating, forgiving, translating, and accommodating, the relationship becomes exhausting. A friendship should not require a spreadsheet, a therapist, and a recovery day after every interaction.
Is She Willing to Grow?
Every meaningful friendship eventually faces change, conflict, or misunderstanding. Can both people tell the truth without trying to wound each other? Can they hear difficult feedback without deflecting, shutting down, or disappearing?
Strong friendships require mutual participation. Intentions matter, but so does impact. Good is the friend who can say, “That hurt,” and also, “I’m not leaving.”
Is She Choosing You Too?
Notice whether you feel cherished or merely tolerated. Friendship cannot thrive when one person continually reaches while the other offers occasional attention. You should not have to audition for a role you thought you already had.
I believe in forgiveness, second chances, and growth. I also believe forgiveness does not require us to volunteer for the same wound repeatedly.
Every loss teaches us what love alone could not. We are far too grown to keep calling emotional scraps a friendship feast.
Written By Tina Bernard
To connect with Tina: TheBadassArts@gmail.com
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